Triggered! Assault, Suicide, Hiatus, and the Future… 8


Well, that’s a loaded title, isn’t it?

Truth is, I don’t know where I’m going or even how to start. Every beginning has another beginning stretching back into infinity. And none of us know the end or how we might get there. Or what even might come next.

But for those of you who’ve been wondering, I’m just not sure how I identify with Skye Callahan and dark romance right now. What I know is this: I can’t deal with the constant stress of being online and the constant pressure to be social. And I can’t write when facing the constant pressure of letting my readers down.

I just can’t.

And yes, many people will say it’s better to face those fears and anxieties and push through it, but I’ve been trying that since the beginning. Skye Callahan is a personna, but it’s also exactly who I am, just with a different name and an online presence (or so it was until the beginning of this year). I am not social. I am not outgoing. And I got to the point that I would have a full blown panic attack every time I had a new message, new email, or new comment. I needed to step away.

And then…

Early this year, I lost someone I’ve been friends with since I was twelve. I remember when she first moved to America, when she had her first Oreo, and her first birthday party in America. I remember her excitement when she found out she was pregnant with her little girl. I remember how beautiful she looked at her baby shower. I remember the little Facebook messages we exchanged when we lived hours apart.

And I remember every single detail when my husband told me she was gone.

First, I thought of her little girls. I hoped they were okay. If they ever could be okay.

And then, I said the only thing I could get out, “How?”

Suicide.

I still can’t believe it.

I can’t make sense of it.

And before I knew it, I had descended into my own hell of anxiety and depression. But that’s not the end of it. The shock of it all also triggered my PTSD. My friend was also a survivor of sexual assault, something she never talked about, and something I didn’t know until after she was gone.

I can already feel the anxiety prickling at my skin as I type this. It has been months now, but I still can’t fully shake it. Writing dark romance was a catalyst for me in dealing with my anger, emotions, and depression, but I’m not ready to go back into that mindset. Eventually, I know I will. The stories are there, waiting to be explored, but for now I’m focused on gardening, working my new day job, and fixing up my old house. I need to rebuild myself, starting from the foundation and working up.

Readers, I’m still thinking about you! And I do miss you. I hope life is treating you well. I’ll be back in some capacity. I probably won’t be back on social media, although my page still exists and I’ll post there from time to time. All big updates will be posted there, here on my blog, and in my newsletter.

I don’t know how long the hiatus will last, but I look forward to being able to lose myself in a dark story again and sharing it with the world.


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8 thoughts on “Triggered! Assault, Suicide, Hiatus, and the Future…

  • Cyndi Brent

    I just found you and now you’re leaving. I just finished reading irrevocable and bend don’t break..I read 4 to 5 books a week since I discovered my love for reading 3 years ago. At first I would read any romance from any author and I loved them all. As time went on though I became much more picky. I got tired of reading the same story with different names for the characters by different authors. So now it’s rare that I find writing that I adore and then I found you. Those books were amazing. I struggled to put them down and didn’t unless I absolutely had to. I love that you wrote the 2nd book from James’ point of view. Both books flowed together seamlessly and your writing is just beautiful. I’m glad to just be getting started reading your work. Even though you’re taking a break I’ll still have lots of material to keep me entertained for awhile. Good luck on your new goals and I’ll look forward to the time you decide you’re ready to return!!!

    • Skye Callahan Post author

      Thank you!! I’m working on returning soon 🙂 A new book from the Irrevocable world has been in the works for quite some time, but I hope to have it out to readers soon.
      Thanks again for your support.

    • Skye Callahan Post author

      Thanks, Courtney!! It is a major relief just to have everyone’s positive responses and support. I have missed you all, too.

  • Lindy

    We now live in a society where the norm has become daily tweets, posts, shares, and likes. While the majority prides itself on ever increasing personal disclosure there are some of us that find this taxing and stressful. I found the anxiety of having to keep up with my friends and family on Facebook so stressful I too would have panic attacks! The constant worrying about getting back to everybody overwhelming! So from one introvert to another I can completely empathize with your decision to take a breal (I gave up facebook). It’s refreshing that instead of perpetuating your anxiety by adhering to society’s norms you were truthful to yourself and others. I commend you for your honesty.
    I send you my deepest wishes that the pain of your loss will lessen with time and support from family and friends. While death is always painful it’s exponentially more so when someone takes their own life. So many questions left behind for loved ones! I’m sending heartfelt healing energy to help in your journey.
    When your ready your fans will be looking forward to beginning a new adventure with you!:)

    Lindy,
    Self proclaimed hermit…to the chagrined of family and friends;)