WTF is going on? My Mental Breaking Point

I’ve been trying to make a post, update, something, but it’s difficult to find the words right now. At the beginning of the year, I was excited to get back in the game. I was on schedule to completely finish She-Devil by the end of March–and that was giving myself extra time.

February was okay. Stressful, but manageable as I tried to play catch up in a book world that’s changed significantly since last year.

March was hell, kicking off with the birthday of the friend I lost to suicide last year. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I then went to my nephew’s birthday party, and who were the first guests to show up? That friend’s two little girls! I spent the entirety of my nephew’s first birthday party bawling my eyes out. All of this around a time when I couldn’t log onto Facebook without seeing posts about someone in the book world who’d attempted suicide.

A week later, my uncle died.

Two weeks later, my younger cousin (as in maybe 30 years old) died after having heart surgery.

I pushed back ARCs, determined to still finish.

And then April… Parts of April were great. I had some huge, very productive days, until the panic attacks started. And if you’ve never had a panic attack… it’s worse than hell. And since I have a combination of panic and anxiety attacks, as well as PTSD and depression, yeah, that shit isn’t fun. It’s like being locked in your worst memories as your brain convinces your body that it’s actually happening again. That phone call… it’s bad news. That email… it’s the end of the world. That message… I don’t know, but something might pop out and kill you. There’s nothing logical about it, and while I can “logic” my way out of it to a certain degree, it takes time.

And during that time, everything is super real and completely unreal at the same time. I dissociate (any of a wide array of experiences from mild detachment from immediate surroundings to more severe detachment from physical and emotional experience), I feel like everything around me poses an immediate threat, and of course I can’t concentrate on jack shit. I can’t watch TV. I can’t listen to music. And I sure as hell can’t string two sentences together.

How is this going to effect my writing?

Well, it gives me plenty of fodder, so I guess that’s a good thing. I need to write. It’s usually something I enjoy. It’s usually something that gives me relief from my symptoms, until it sneaks its way in as the cause of my symptoms. I thought I was over that part, but I’m completely and totally not.

So, I’m making a resolution with myself this time. I’m not going on hiatus. I’m going to stay active in publishing, and I’ve created a little group on Facebook to help other authors, which I’m very committed to. I love this world, and I love many of the people in it, so I can’t bring myself to take time off.

I’m going to write. I have too many ideas not to write. I wish She-Devil was ready for readers, but it just isn’t. And I feel like a failure for that, but I won’t let that temporary feeling continue to get in the way.

So, I’m putting aside deadlines and pre-orders and going with the flow for a few months. I don’t know how well this is going to work out either, because I usually need that release date out there in order to hold myself accountable. I’m living on a double-edge sword.

It’s just going to be a surprise for all of us (which, I know sucks), but writing is my passion. I write because I love it. I publish because I want to share that love with readers. It’s not the most effective marketing plan, as far as marketing goes, it’s a shit plan. But, I’m a shit planner, that’s why I’m a pantser. I guess this is taking pantsing to the next level, but it’s my solution for now. I think I dived back in too quick and expected my mind to work the same way that it used to, but I’ve come from a place where writing used to be my therapy, but She-Devil is turning into the reason I need therapy. These characters are giving me issues upon issues. -_-

That said, She-Devil will be out sometime this year. Probably early summer, because I will finish and I will get the book out there. 🙂 When I don’t feel like my chest is going to explode and my head stops going in a million directions at once.

I also have a couple of other projects that I’m committing to that will be published by the end of the year. Which means a couple of strict deadlines that I haven’t even begun to worry about yet, but I have started planning and those projects will be my priority through the summer months since I’m not the one setting those deadlines.

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